When did I feel it all?

When did I feel like a mom? When did I feel the love?

You hear people saying they are mothers or fathers when their baby arrives. That there’s this instant switch that flipped in their minds and “poof.” They are mom and dad.

For me, it wasn’t like that. Of course, I was a mother the moment AJ came to this world. But I wasn’t a mom.

The same with instant love. They told me I would fall in love with my baby within the moment I saw him.

My first (in my mind) reaction was, “couldn’t they have cleaned him more?” And then it was, “you look like your dad.” It wasn’t like I didn’t feel something; I knew he was mine that we made him, and so on. But instant love. I do not think that happened to me.

There was a tiny little seed that had started to grow while I was pregnant from AJ. But the “it’s the best thing in life, there is nothing more beautiful, you’ll love nothing more than your child.” Those moments didn’t happen.

In the first months, the tiny seed grew. It became more prominent and more robust. But I still didn’t have those moments of instant love. It was there; it was growing.

It would grow every day more and more even if I didn’t feel like this was the best thing ever. I still missed him when I was away or when he went to his grandpa. I couldn’t be without him, but I also needed to be without him, which is something for another post.

But now, as I write this post, with a sleeping AJ next to me. He is passed out, farting softly and being the cutest baby ever.

In these moments, when he sleeps next to me. My love for him feels like it would explode.

I never thought that I would find so much joy, love, and comfort from having him next to me in bed. (And yes, we make sure he’s safe and that nothing can happen to him!)

But I do; these nights are what makes that tiny seed grow into the giant tree of love you could ever find. And I know it will grow each day, even bigger.

Do know that he won’t be sleeping with us every night. Today had been a long one, teething pain, got his vaccines which resulted in a lousy day of sleeping. On top of that, the high temperature from his teething and the shot might give him more unrest in his bed than in ours. So to provide him with comfort and us too, he sleeps with us.

That’s one thing I learned quickly to trust my instinct.

Now onto a night of wonderful sleep.