I wanted to post this yesterday, but I also needed a moment to let it settle. I want to be honest, to myself and here. But this, it’s a lot. And to admit it to myself is a huge step, but saying it out loud to the world is even bigger. So I needed to sleep first and think about what I wanted to do. I want to share it, so here is the snippet from Sunday.
As I mentioned here, I am not ashamed of my feelings and the breakdown. I need to be sure I am comfortable sharing it with the world.
I broke… finally… sort off. I cried today told my husband I was tired, exhausted, not feeling like myself. I’m a mom, and that’s it; that is the only name I can give myself. I love it, but I’m not too fond of it too, at least for today. I want to be me, a mother, a wife, writer, designer, weird-ass cat lady, and just me.
Only right now, I don’t feel like anything. Just an empty person that only knows how to be a mom. I love AJ; he is my everything, and I would never wish it to be different. But I do wish for a moment to just be me, for a night of sleep without interruption, a day without pain in my back, or AJ his teeth finally being there.
And yes, the moment he goes to day-care is when I will get myself back or at least time to be me. But there’s a list! Oh boy, what a list. I can’t sit down and do nothing; it’s not an option. I need to do it, but I can’t.
Some things need to be finished, not only in the house but also for my work. Everything seems to be too much.
So yeah, I had a meltdown. I’m fine, as I always am and will be after moments like these. When I hit my wall and know I need to step back and focus.
I’m not ashamed of the meltdown, of the feelings I get with it. I’m angry that I needed to have a breakdown to find my limit. To know I need to change things… The feelings, the tears, the hopelessness that I felt at that moment. They will settle now that I’ve accepted what’s happening.
I’ll find my solution, look at everything from another point of view and find my balance again. I only need to learn to keep it.
I will always take care of those I love. This includes me too. But AJ and my husband stand on the same level as I do. I am aware of everything going on, and I will always protect those I love, even from myself.