Hearing something you didn’t know you needed to hear. I think we all have those moments. Someone says, “you look great.” out of the blue, or they tell you that you can do this without asking that person to say those words to you. They are the words you need to hear without knowing it, those that take you by surprise and lift the weight you had been struggling off your shoulders.
I had a moment like that yesterday evening. My husband and I talked; we have had this talk before. I think we have had this conversation already three times. Still, we kept bringing it up; we were irritated about ourselves, our relationship, and everything else. We couldn’t stop talking about it and the wall we kept hitting.
But what I didn’t know was that I needed to hear from him that he would be the happiest if I started writing. When people ask him what I do for a living, he says, “my wife is an author.” Those words, knowing he accepts my choice of profession that….. It made me breathe. I didn’t realize I was holding back because of that, or at least a part of it.
We had talked about his worries, and they are burned into my mind as they are my worries too. I worked hard to find a way to take those away I still am working hard. I only don’t know-how. I knew that I had a few options and things I could do. But not one of those options felt right or did fit in with the idea of how I saw myself in a working environment.
I loved working for myself before I got pregnant. The freedom, the discipline I needed for myself, and the not having to ask if I was doing it alright or was on the right path are fantastic. My self-doubts were there and are still present, but they became less. I didn’t need to be accountable to anyone but myself. It works for me, or at least it did before I fell into a huge writers’ block and my self-doubt reached a new high; added in the pregnancy hormones, and I had a fun cocktail of feeling shit. This was hard on me and my self-worth. It was one of the reasons and the biggest reason I ended up in depression during my pregnancy.
Only now, with things “slowing” down and having more time to work and write. And with my husband telling me to go for it. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I will still need to find a balance and find ways where I wouldn’t be putting pressure on my shoulders. The pressure might not even be there or exist. And only be placed there by myself. Which, I think, will be a trial and error kind of road. But also a way of planning my workdays, I’ve noticed that I need to schedule an hour in my workday for unexpected things. Or to have a few hours in my work week where I stop early and do something for myself without feeling guilty for not working.
As my husband says, “you are more productive when you are happy and relaxed/comfortable.” which is true. I already feel so much better and relaxed after that conversation. I wrote 1531 words that evening, which is the most I have done in weeks, even months.
So the mission for these months. No unneeded pressure on my shoulders; they carry enough already. Enjoy writing, go for it and forget all the “rules” until I am ready to move on to the next stage. And if I do that, I’ll follow some of those rules and mostly my own.
I got this.