Feeling alone

I like being alone, doing my own thing. Only it’s not the same as feeling alone.
Surrounded by my family and friends, I still feel invisible. It makes me feel alone. I wake up alone; I take care of AJ alone; I go to bed alone. And yes, my husband is there; he helps, and he takes care of me when I need it—still that feeling of being alone.

That feeling isn’t because I am alone or doing this all by myself. It comes out of a few other feelings and problems I (we) face. I am an indie author; I write and publish my books. I have stopped writing due to my brain being foggy, tired, and constantly overstimulated. It takes too much out of me, and most importantly, I can’t find the joy or the time for it. I miss it; I miss it so badly that it constantly reminds me of failure, which is one of the feelings that created the feeling of being alone.

To be honest, not having the (somewhat) stable income from my writing has thrown me on the ground and kicked me hard. I can almost feel it laughing at me, pointing its finger and doubling over from laughter.
It hurts, as I know that I have created that image myself. I am the person who’s laughing at myself, not some financial image.
That image adds to the feeling of being alone.

Then we have the not knowing who I am, what role I have except being a mom. All I am seen as is the mother of AJ. All I see myself as is that and nothing more. If I have to tell someone who I am, it always starts with Mother and stops there. I can say I am a writer or a wife. But those two are overshadowed by motherhood. And I never get the words out; I am me. All this gives the feeling of being alone a considerable boost.

Of not being me, not having the ability to help support us like I always have done, not being able to write, and doubting myself every time I start typing a story. The stories are there, but my insecurity is fighting every word I put on paper. And all this adds up to feeling alone even when I am not.
I have a great support system, and I asked them for help as I needed help. But it hasn’t changed how I feel. I know it will; the steps are taken. I am just scared that if it fails, I will fall back to where I was two weeks ago.

Being alone is fine; having some time to not think about everyone else is excellent. But feeling alone sucks big time. I hope that with these steps I’m taking, finding a job (that isn’t writing at the moment) to get some stable income and a piece of mind, have my husband jump in somewhat more, and me talking to someone to drag myself out of hiding and be me again would set a good start. I know that the feeling alone has lessened. And that when I handle the different parts of that feeling, I know I’ll stop feeling like it and get into a rhythm that works for my family and me.
Most of all, I might feel useful again, and that’s a feeling that helps me the most.

p.s if you ever feel alone, speak up and let someone know. I know it sounds cliche, but you are never alone.

Published by Serena Nova

Hello, I'm a new author in this world. I'm an Indie author, and this is what I do in my daily life. The weird conversations I have with my computer, cats, and boyfriend. How I process all the things that happen around me and how it all goes. Greets

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