Feelings and how I (do not) handle them

We all have feelings, and we all handle them differently. I always get confused from mine. Mostly because I never knew if they were true or not. I saw how others dealt with their emotions and compared how I handled mine.
It also didn’t help that my mother wasn’t an emotional person. I love her, and she’s freaking awesome. But in my younger years, she mentioned that if we didn’t feel well, we wouldn’t die from it. All was fine. I listened to that rule and tried to live up to it. Even if I was the one that whined the most about my aches, it wasn’t that they needed to be tended to; they bothered me, and every time I noticed my pain, I needed to tell someone.
My mom and I are good together now; years have taken care of that.

But yeah, when I was younger (read five to ten years back), I was horrible at knowing my emotions and how I should react to them. My first psychologist said that I didn’t even show them. Which I found strange as I cried a lot, laughed a lot, and got angry. So, in my opinion, those were three emotions, and I showed them. I understand (now) that he meant the other ones that rush through your mind and body. I usually pushed those down, they didn’t help me, and I found them annoying. I never knew what good jealousy does and how to handle hatred. They take too much energy I didn’t want to spill.

And yes, not knowing if they were true sucked. I always believed I lied to myself when I felt something. How could I know it was true, as I didn’t see the same reactions to those emotions in others. They acted differently than I did when I felt jealousy or anger. I always seemed to be on one end. I was either really jealous or really angry, happy, sad, annoyed, etc. I never stayed in the between. I couldn’t be one a little and a little bit of the others. I can now, but when I was younger, they were too complex, too much for me to handle them all simultaneously. So I shut them down; I created a default set of emotions I did understand.

My default setting is still crying; if things get too much, I cry; if they get too harsh, I cry; if I’m too happy, overwhelmed, tired, angry, or upset, I cry. The other default setting I used to have, was hitting something. When I felt too much, and I couldn’t focus on what was happening in my mind, I hit a wall. The pain in my knuckles would help me focus on one thing so that I could slow the rest down. The first psychologist told me not to do that, and I haven’t done it in the last few years.

There are still moments that I need one emotion to focus on, pain is still the best, but I try to take deep breaths instead and slow my mind down.
Over the years, I have talked about my feelings and what they mean to me. I have always known that I look different at things in the world, and my emotions react differently. I can be the only one laughing in a theater while nobody makes a sound. I can cry about the most mundane things because I find them sad. I can not give a shit about what others find sad. Some things do come to reach my brain differently, and some I have to let in differently. If I do not, I can’t be the happy person I usually am. Sometimes turning off an emotion or multiples help me cope with the world around me.

Having AJ has shown me some pure emotions, as he laughs about what he think’s funny, and AJ cries when he has pain or needs something.
I still do not handle my emotions that well, and I hate them most of the time as they make me feel different from others, even if we all have them. But I was seeing AJ growing up, having his view on the world and how his emotions are his. I know that my feelings are mine.
How others handle them is their choice.

I do not have to “act” the same way as I saw other people do. I never could, how hard I tried. I never could understand how others handled their feelings a certain way, how they didn’t find the same things funny as I did or cried about the same stuff. I always wanted to be like the others, cry when it seemed normal, and laugh when needed. To have their feelings subdued and not rule their minds.

As my emotions sometimes do, when something goes wrong, or I get sad, I can’t seem to work; everything costs me so much more energy when my feelings are up and wracking havoc. I do not understand how someone else doesn’t get influenced by their emotions when they are strong. And I HATE that I seem to have that “problem.”

As I’m writing this, I think. Is this even a problem? When I feel strongly, shouldn’t I put those feelings on paper and use them for my stories, as I did with my first books. And if I feel strongly, is that bad? No.
No, it isn’t bad. I need to handle it all differently. I know I can’t stuff those feelings down like I feel everyone around me does. I need to accept them and ride them out (sometimes). And sometimes, I cry them out depending on what works the best; I might even laugh until tears stream down my face.

So how hard I wished I was like others when I grew up, and I could handle my emotions like everyone else seemed to do. I can’t; I need to stop hiding them, accept them and let them free in my mind and body.

That means feeling like shit means feeling like shit, and yes, I wouldn’t go and be sad at a party; I put on my mask, but I wouldn’t overdo it. I need to stay true to my own emotions and not act like others.
As I am not others.
I am me.

And handling those emotions that cripple me and stop me from working or feeling good. I have no clue yet how to tackle those. But I know accepting them might help a bit, and maybe I’ll find the solution next time I write about them.

Published by Serena Nova

Hello, I'm a new author in this world. I'm an Indie author, and this is what I do in my daily life. The weird conversations I have with my computer, cats, and boyfriend. How I process all the things that happen around me and how it all goes. Greets

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