Sorry for the long silence, life…. You know!
We all know the earth won’t stop spinning when you stay in bed all day. It just won’t happen; it doesn’t matter who you are. The world continues.
It also does not give a fuck about me being autistic and overstimulated. In a way, I do not care for the world to even think about that. It’s my autism, so why should I be bothered by the world continuing to turn?
Mainly because it means that if the works keeps on spinning I have too.
I’m sitting here on the tram to my job, which I have for two days a week. Not much compared to many who work 40 or even more hours a week. But here I am wishing I could call my boss and tell him no today, that this weekend was too much for me, and the night was long as my son kept waking up. Wishing I could say, “Hey, I’m sorry, but I can’t function today. See you on the next workday.”
It’s something my psychologists would probably cheer on to do. Because I need to find my balance, the green zone, my happy place, or whatever I want to call it. The problem is, I can’t; many of us probably can’t either. We have this job for a reason, to pay bills and live.
It doesn’t matter how heavy the weekend or how shitty the night was. I have to get on and continue to function. No matter how overstimulated I am. The world won’t hit the pause button just for me.
I do not want it either, but some acceptance for the days I get overstimulated — mostly those days that I didn’t created it myself, because yes, I could have planned less on the weekend.
Which is a whole other question, how much do I have to give in to live in a hectic world with autism.
Because even if I had planned two things in the weekend, it was still pretty quiet, but enough happened that I hadn’t expected. I could have left the Sunday free, but sometimes you can’t move an appointment. Again the world doesn’t dance to my tune.
One of the things I can do is listen to my energy levels. To feel when it’s too much, react to the signs my body gives me. And respond to them, drink my cup of tea, even on the tram. Listen to my music while making dinner, cuddle with my husband and little boy, and go to bed early or read a book on the bed. Either way, choose the moments I know I can wind down. And push through those I can’t.
I know there will be a day I have to say, “It’s too much.” to my boss and explain that I need to be home for that day so I can continue the next. I’ve done that before; I knew I had autism. I took a day off school mostly. I never skipped work; my mom would’ve been pissed if I had done it for that reason.
But now, with this whole new path, the day will come, and I’ll do everything I can to find the balance, to keep that sentences from my lips.
So travel mugs of tea, good books on my e-reader, and my music will be my ‘on-the-road heroes’. With those with me, I can always create a moment of rest and recharge for that moment.
What are your ‘on the road heroes’?