I am my enemy—at least one of them, but the biggest.
My husband always said to me, stop thinking. And how I wished I could follow that advice. My medication for my ADHD helps, it slows it down, and that’s it. Which in a way, is enough for me. I wouldn’t want to shut down who I am.
I wish I could stop overthinking, the 100 times having the same thought in a day. Or plan out every possible “what if” in a day. And most of all, stop “beating” myself up for not following one of those 100 plans. Especially when it isn’t my “fault” for the day not going as planned.
If I think about it now, I never plan in any of those 100 scenarios that I can fail or not follow any of those plans. I always ask the highest of myself and nothing less. I am hard to myself, but what if I am not?
I know the world won’t end if I let go a day, my work won’t explode, and I won’t turn into a mess. I know all that; logically, I can tell myself not to be a dick and let go. That good is enough; that perfect isn’t needed. I know! All of those things. But I can’t turn it off. The drive to be more, to fit in and be better. To be loved and liked and normal is enormous. If I had to describe them visually, I would say they were the walls around my castle. Towering above, hiding the view of the world outside and keeping me in.
And no matter how much I have learned in the past years, how much I dive into the deep and do something outside my comfort zone. The more I accept myself for who I am. It doesn’t matter; I stay in this tiny castle that can’t grow bigger and look over my walls. I’m not a majestic castle in some beautiful county on a hilltop, overlooking the world while its walls protect her from invasion she sees coming and accepts with grace and power and fights when needed. Who looks over what she has, the town at her feet, those she watches over because she can see.
I am not that, and yes, fear makes me wonder, will I ever be? Will I accept who I am in a world where I want to be like others? I know I will never reach that point because I am different. My brain is! So why strive for something I can’t get?
Only to belong? No, to stop being my enemy! That’s why I keep fighting those walls, reminding myself I am good enough for who I am. I make my place in a chaotic world; I’ll find my beauty.
Building my castle into a beautiful place, brick by brick and with sweat, tears, and courage.
Still, I’ll always be my number one enemy; I accept that (sort off). Keep your enemies close? Right? 🤣 stop doing something I have done my whole life. It isn’t easy!
I’ll get there even if it means I’ll learn it when I am 80 and wrinkled.
But for now, all I can do is; be less strict, be okay with changes from outside, and plan my day less demanding!
I will grow and let myself off the hook a little more. The balance I am working towards will help me in the long run.
How do you keep the balance between your brain, feelings, and the life around you?