How I underestimated motherhood.

Being a mother was something I had expected I could do without even thinking about it. I am a caring and loving person; I was always the person who made sure my friends came home when they were drunk from a night out.

For me mother, is described as a person who gives up everything for their child, takes care of and loves the child unconditionally. A mother is someone who has it all figured out, a career, her home, and life. And breezes through it all.

Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be simple; long days and nights, crying kids, crying mom, anger, frustration, and a lot of fun would be part of it all. I would give birth to my child, a switch would turn on, and I would be a mom.

How I underestimated it all!

It’s been almost a year now since AJ was born. A year!

One whole fucking year has passed, and I still do not grasp the full impact of motherhood. I also still do not know who I am. A mother, a writer, me? I do not know.

What I do know is who I was before AJ. And how much I have given up of that person from my past.

Where I expected to fly through motherhood, I ended up crashing and burning; I lost sight of who I was, which made me only a mother.

Do not get me wrong; I love being a mother. But I need to be me too to function. To get through a day, to find courage for the next, and to live out — as I plan a long life — my life in one piece.

If I had known what I know now, I would have done things differently. I would still have become a mom, but I would have prepared better for it. I do know that you are never ready for a child. They are their person from the moment they are born. And the troubled start with AJ didn’t help either.

Where I expected to be an instant mom, I became instantly lost. Sleep deprived, overstimulated from AJ’s crying. I was feeling like a milk factory and nothing more while I breastfed. I hated it because everyone told me it would be beautiful! I did it for three weeks and then decided to stop; I wasn’t enjoying it. It took so much energy out of me, energy I needed to get through the day.

I have felt like a lesser mom because of it, but I also knew it was for the better. This wasn’t the only realization I had when AJ was little; there were more, many more!

I am a caring, loving woman, but I am not an instant mom.

I am AJ’s mom, and I love that! But still, I find it hard to be proud of the title, to accept it as mine because I underestimated motherhood.

It isn’t a walk in the park; it isn’t something I was born to do. It is something I learned, chose, and love because of that.

I wasn’t born to become a mom. I grew into the role, and I am still growing. I have such massive respect for the mothers around me. Motherhood isn’t a job; it’s a life, and in a way, that is even heavier! A job you can come home from and turn off when you want. You are a mother or a father, a parent in general, something you can’t turn off; you will be that for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t resign from this job, not ever! Even if there will be and have been days I wished I could.

I underestimated motherhood and the downsides, but I also underestimated the joy, love, and laughter my little boy gives me. The downsides do weigh heavier for now; the days are still long and change too fast for my autistic brain to keep up with. But the love from AJ is worth it!

Published by Serena Nova

Hello, I'm a new author in this world. I'm an Indie author, and this is what I do in my daily life. The weird conversations I have with my computer, cats, and boyfriend. How I process all the things that happen around me and how it all goes. Greets

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