Admitting to your fears.

I have help; once a week (if we manage to plan it), my coach comes to my house to talk, give suggestions, and help me explain things that have happened. At the moment, we mainly talk, as it’s one of the best ways for me to figure out problems I walk into.

This time I finally managed to break down a part of the wall inside my mind. Do you know those glass blocks you can use to build a wall? They are thick, and you can’t see through them. Only shapes are visible, so you know something stands behind it, but what or who you do not. I have a wall like that in my mind.

I was hiding or protecting a part of myself. I do not know when I build it; I think I know a little, but why? Probably to save the part that I had lost after becoming a mom, maybe I tried to contain that part so I wouldn’t lose it entirely, and was it nothing but a suitable intention self mechanism? In the end, it didn’t work out like that. I hid a part of myself behind a wall, and I knew I was standing there, ready to claim back a piece of myself. I only couldn’t. There was no way over or around the wall. I had locked myself in and felt trapped on both sides.

My coach came over and asked me what I wanted to talk about. I knew what that was, my writing. I had enough self-care time for a lifetime and wanted to return to a form of normal I knew and missed. To do it, I know I can, so why am I not doing it? What kept (still a little does, the whole picture isn’t fixed yet) me from taking the step? Why did I make up excuses no matter how valid they were? They were still excuses in my eyes.

I told her, and we started talking. My coach asked me questions, and I tried to answer them. She wrote things down, and I hoped she would find the answer in them. In the end, she didn’t find the answer; I did.

Every time I have a conversation with someone who is there to help me, a psychologist or psychiatrist, I am as honest as I can be. Without that honesty, I won’t come far. She won’t judge me, she is here to help, so I do not have to judge myself for the answers I give.

Looking inside myself, going over the why… The why that kept bugging me. I am not that tired anymore; I am settled in my role as a mom, working again and making some money; I am healthy and happy, so why can’t I sit down and write on the two days I have for it (and evenings).

We hat is keeping me from it.

The answer I already knew was I. Nobody else. But what was the reason I couldn’t start? Or failed every time I did start. The stories are there, screaming to be written. That’s not the problem.

No, the problem was that I felt unfair to my husband. In my mind, he had to work hard and care for his family while I had two days a week to do what I love, to work on my passion without any consequences. It wasn’t fair in my eyes. I had started to fear that if I sat down and wrote nothing, I would have wasted the time he gave me to do what makes me happy!

I feared that I wasn’t enough, that I would never achieve what I did with my first book, that I couldn’t anymore. My idea of this situation is unfair and out of balance, dragged me down an (already) bottomless pit filled with self-doubt and frustration. This feeling of unfairness isn’t all that has been keeping me from writing; I know that.

It is a small part but also the beginning of accepting my fears and feelings. This insight makes it easier to tackle the rest of the glass wall To find the balance between my new life and my old one. I am creating a whole new life.

I am not there yet, and I know there will be a few more fears to name out loud. But at least I got this one down and felt lighter because of it.

Searching deep inside yourself for that what keeps you back, to find it and name it as it is, gives you the freedom to accept it and move forward from it. Spoken word has power, and in my opinion, talking out loud about my fears helps me to make them less daunting.

Published by Serena Nova

Hello, I'm a new author in this world. I'm an Indie author, and this is what I do in my daily life. The weird conversations I have with my computer, cats, and boyfriend. How I process all the things that happen around me and how it all goes. Greets

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