I work twice a week at a small but fantastic company. I feel lucky to be able to work there. But today… how the fuck am I going to explain to them that I am nothing word for the day?
AJ has been sleeping poorly. Awake at different times of the night. And we do not know (for sure) why. All we can do is go with it and hope it settles soon. Because I need a night of sleep, we all do!
I face my darkness daily, which is alright and more than fine when I have slept well. Only when the nights get messed up one after the other, then things become challenging. The daily battle turns into war, which drains me of all my energy. It is easier to “turn off.” To step back from my mind and switch the button Autopilot on. But it doesn’t help me; it doesn’t make me feel better, and it won’t take the darkness back. It just puts it on hold until I find time to find myself back.
The truth is, I am nothing worth it today. I am tired; my body hurts from an IBS attack. I also woke up with. My darkness has taken control; if someone yells, I’ll probably cry. I will be drained even before I get to work. And I have no clue if the decision actually to go to work is the right one. I only know when I did it. It might be perfect; some distraction gives me a satisfied feeling, or it might be the worst, and I have to recharge for longer than I would need if I had called in sick.
But how the hell am I going to explain this to my boss? The world isn’t built for mental health problems; you get side-eyed when you ask for a sick day. And to make matters worse, I feel bad about my mental health problems and asking for a day off, which doesn’t help the situation. But I also do know that pushing through won’t help, not always. I am gambling today.
I hate being like this.
I’m going to be honest when I get there, explain to them what’s going on, and see what they say. The conversation has been on repeat in my mind. And I feel so bad; I feel like I failed them. And I know I shouldn’t see it that way. My mental health is worth more than their approval. But my bills need to be paid too.
We’ll see what they say.
I just still wished I wasn’t like this.