I am who I am—a banana ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry. Cheerful, full of flavor, energy, and a pop of color.
But I am always accompanied by a dark rich chocolate sauce that melts away the ice cream and covers everything with its powerful flavor. Overpowering everything I am or who I want to be.
There are days that the chocolate won’t flow as much as others, that it even stays inside its bowl and never bother me at all. So I can enjoy the richness of my life without the bitterness of the chocolate. Most days, it’s there, coating my life with a drip at the time. Until it has overpowered everything, and I fall.
There are days or weeks that I can fight it, that the darkness won’t become more. I am a lone knight in that battle, and even I wear down. Tiredness isn’t my shield in this fight; it is the aid for the darkness, as well as self-doubt, insecurity, mistakes, and fears. They all help the darkness empty the bowl faster. To take over and let me lose the fight.
And when I lose, when it all becomes too much. That’s when I need to stop, find myself, and recharge. Sharpen my sword, fix the dents in my armor, find a new shield or repair the one I already have. And get back onto the field and fight.
This battle, I fight every day. I will fight for the rest of my life. I will get stronger as I become older. I’ll learn new moves and new tricks. But so does the darkness. Because it is part of me, my companion in many ways, it won’t go, the same for ADHD and my autism; those will be there, along for the ride.
Nobody sees the darkness; nobody knows how big it is, how strong, or how many dents my armor has at the moment. I can tell, explain, and paint a picture for someone. But they will never understand that every depression, every darkness is different. Theirs is and will never be the same.
I am a lonely knight who battles every day, who sometimes fights to reach the next day while the world continues, not knowing I am slaying darkness they will never see.
The battle, the chocolate coating my life, isn’t always the worst. It is not being able to explain, to get the rest I need without worrying I might get fired or what people would think of me.
My darkness, that bowl of chocolate, isn’t who I am; it is a part of me, and yes, it sometimes decides how I go through my day. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I am an intelligent woman, that I am strong. It only shows me I need to balance my energy even better.
Which is another piece of armor I need to add in, weighing me down in a way as well as strengthening.
I know I’ll get out of this one, just like I did with others, and I will fight all those that will come.
I wished the world would understand and not see me as something less. Because I am not less, I am different. That is all, just like everyone that walks on this earth. I have something that I feel like I need to hide so that I will be accepted.
This I never do; I am honest about my darkness. I just wished it wouldn’t add this much stress to my life. Fighting the battle is already a lot; doubting if someone will accept you with it makes it heavy. And worrying if it might cost you your job is terrifying.
I love my brain and its beautiful mix, even the darkness that sometimes takes over. It’s a beautiful mix, and it is mine.