I feel like I am giving up more and more…
I can’t do too much; I can’t plan my weekends full, spontaneous meetings, watch a movie late, run when I want to or do anything unplanned with friends or my husband and child.
Because if I do too much today, I am worth shit tomorrow or even the same day. I sometimes wonder what went wrong. I understand having a baby isn’t easy; it costs you sleep, is a part of your life, and gives you back a lot.
But how can I have gone from a “normal” energy-filled woman to a daily struggling, drained woman? Okay, maybe not every day. But I do have to think about everything.
If I do this today and have lunch with a friend, how much energy will I have left? Will it cost me more or less? What happens if AJ sleeps poorly that night? Will I be able to find the energy to write FINALLY? Will I ever find my energy levels back?
When comes the moment I am not feeling exhausted.
That I won’t need a day to recharge or six, I don’t know, and it scares me. I wrote after school, after my job the first year. No, I am lucky if I can write a blog post.
I am tired and sick of the recharging days I need. They are necessary, and I hate them more and more.
I wasn’t this pathetic person who needed to think about everything she did. I just did; I went for lunches, I went out, slept late, and whatever more.
And yes, again, I know a child changes everything. But it has been a year. And I am nowhere near my old energy levels. And I do blame the autism. But on the other hand, I can’t. Because what has changed from me not knowing to knowing? I only know (and had a baby). Still!
I want to not think about tomorrow, about what is wise. I want to write and tell the stories in my mind because they are there. They are ready to be written. I only do not have the energy.
I HATE IT! And I wished I had the answers to that problem.