I feel trapped inside the diagnosis of autism, trapped in what I know about it, what I feel, and what isn’t or is autism.
Autism, for me, is a freeing diagnosis that has started to become a straight jacket.
Every week I, every day even, have to look at what I will be doing. And every time, I need to figure out if I can go to this party on Saturday and do something fun with my family on Sunday. Or go out on a Thursday with AJ, going to a busy place. And could I go and have a drink with a friend on Friday? Before my autism diagnosis, I would have done all that and not even noticed the overstimulation, the tiredness, and everything else that is part of my autism. I would have continued.
But now…. Now I look at all the planned things, and I have to think about which plan I should say no to. And do not forget the unexpected things; they drain me even more than the planned ones. I can’t go out two days after each other. Going to a restaurant is a lot, while it hadn’t been before. I still can’t understand that change. Why are things from before hard now? The question I seem to get back to every time is, what has changed?
Not much has changed; I am not much different than before. I only have more knowledge. But why is that knowledge negative at the moment when it should be (in my opinion) only positive?
I wished I had an answer. Al I can do for now is go with the flow, catch myself before I fall, and see where I can change, learn and get more balance.