What is acceptance? Some are easy, accepting a gift from someone, accepting that it hurts when you hit your toe.
But accepting that you are and always be different than the society around you. It has plunged me into depression, tiredness, and sadness. I have been fighting the acceptance that I am different for some time now. And in a way, I do not find it that bad. I do not want to have my autism or ADHD be a straight jacket, to go into a victim role and not get out. It’s not who I am or want to be.
Only I didn’t want to give in, to accept that things had changed. That I am no longer who I was. The road will be long before I reach the end to fully accept that I will be different.
There is, of course, the question if different is a bad thing, which isn’t. Only in a world that isn’t made for someone like me, it is in a way. Everything has always been challenging and complicated, and I have always needed to do more, be more, and be better just to fit in.
And now I can say I am different, and it isn’t a lie because I am. And here comes the But, I can say it, but I can’t accept it.
Because the truth is that I do not know how to be different, how to be me, I haven’t been me in full for years, always tried to be someone who belonged. Now I do not need to.
So who am I now? Can I accept the fact that I can be me? I can. I know I can. The most critical piece in this will be for me to accept that I am not a lesser person. I wasn’t before my diagnosis, and I won’t be after; I am still me.
Maybe knowing this, what I wrote above, helps me get closer to where I want to be. To find the new me.
The one who needs to keep in mind not to do too much, to anticipate the unexpected that might drain more energy than I have, to value the charging days I get, and most of all love myself for who I am. I am broken, in a way, but I also have the chance to put the pieces back together how I want to.
I have no idea how or what will happen, only that I need to learn acceptance. True acceptance.