It has been a few weeks since I have written for the blog. Because I am home with a burn-out.
It took me long enough to admit to it. The burn-out had been there for weeks, maybe even months. Only I couldn’t stop; we needed the financial support that my job provided. This is a newly added stress layer, but that’s for later. Currently, I am taking rest, doing as little as possible. GOING nuts because of it, and rethinking my whole lifestyle.
I have hit rock bottom, and I now need to figure out where my new life and myself fit in this giant puzzle called life that doesn’t seem to want to be fixed. All the pieces are scattered everywhere, and I can’t find a way to put them in the right spot. They do not fit!
Calling in sick for work was hard; the doctor’s appointment I had before was even more challenging. Admitting to myself the one thing I knew for a while now, it sucked. It was also for the best, and I couldn’t pull further. There wouldn’t be anything left to stretch. I had hit my end, my rock bottom. I called in for help.
The psychologist appointment is made, and the new help is coming. I try to keep floating, doing nothing, and taking REST. This is one shitty thing that I have to do; I am pulling my reins which I have never done before. Not like this. I can take a break but systematically rest. Being aware of taking it slow, of not using all my energy pennies (thank you, Becca Syme, for those words, they are perfect) at once. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know one speed, and that is it. I go fast, crash and burn; I get up like a phoenix and do it all over again. That is how I went through life. And I do not say I can’t be a phoenix anymore; I just need to be one with somewhat more wisdom and patience.
I did manage to sit still for two weeks without feeling horrible about it, thank you, flu. It allowed me to take it slow, but now I want to get back on that horse; I want to run, be free, and be myself. I just can’t. There aren’t any pennies left to throw into the carousel and get it spinning. I have no idea how I can get off this carousel and stop spinning. *welcome to my life*
The one thing I do know is this, and I need to do it differently than I have done before. I need to change my lifestyle, mind, and habits, become more robust and improve.
So I made a plan, a 5 step plan. *yes, yes I did!*
First, I tackle my mental health and physical health.
- Going to exercise.
- Meditate every day.
- Work with a structure.
- Find psychological help
Second I’ll be adding writing time into this all.
- Write 500 words every workday.
Third, work out some author life-related things. But this is on my latest to-do list. I am first going for steps one and two. After that, I will see how it goes. I must remind myself that my mental and physical health is the most important.
So when I reach the other three steps, I’ll write it out. But for now, step one and step two!
I hope to get the energy to keep track of my changes, mind lightbulbs, and anything else that helps me forward or pulls me back. It will be a rocky road; I just hope it’s made of chocolate so I can snack along the way.
Motherhood, me and autism 